FAILED MARRIAGES: ONE DIVORCE, TOO MANY. BY CHRIS OKAFOR

Marriage is an act of joining a man and a woman together in a holy matrimony as husband and a wife. It often calls for fun fares, weddings, celebrations and conviviality.

People spend a lot of money in planning for these big occasions and sometimes end it up cruising around the world on honeymoon. The couples had, without doubt, in church and in present of a Reverend Father, vowed to be faithful and to love one another until death do them apart. To most people who had partaken in this vow, it must be upheld with respect and dignity at all times. They sees marriage as a sacrament while to many, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying “I do” today and within the next 4 months, it is all over.

This school of thoughts viewed the entire institution of marriage as “free-entry-free exit” kind of a contact. It doesn’t matter if their well publicised and celebrated marriage would come to a halt within months of its inception.

On the other hand, divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of marriage or marital vow before the death of either spouse. It can be contrasted with annulment, which is a declaration that marriage is void, though the effect maybe recognised in such unions such as spousal supports, child custody and distribution of property.

The problem of failed marriages and divorce around the world particularly Europe and America is so enormous and inexplicable especially when there is no basis to determine necessary or sufficient causation. It is, indeed, a social problem with a hereditary attachment of which many are completely ignorant of and never believe in existence of the following concept which I am going to outline here. When one decides to put an end to his/her marriage on a mere provocation and on issues that ought to be resolved amicably, you have no moral justification to tell your children in future that there is anything wrong with divorce or having children with different parents.In Nigeria, for instance, there are some ethnic groups that advise their male children never to marry from a single parent or a broken home. The ironic reasons are palpable. They believed that marriage is all about tolerance and the woman being submissive to their chosen husband at all time and therefore no amount of disagreement between couples that would warrant a woman to abscond from home. In most cases, men reserve the exclusive right to send their wives out of their matrimonial home on the ground of infidelity and promiscuity.

Women are normally the victim and in contrast, because of male dominance, cultural and religious affiliations, it is customary for people in most African countries to come back home from their respective daily activities and announce to their wives that they are marrying the second or the third wife as the case may be without questioning. They have the sole right as well to have as many girlfriend(s) as it pleases them or go out and come back at will.In fact, it is not only a taboo but it is also an abomination for average African woman to go out like their European or American counterparts, get drunk and have a one night stand that often lead to pregnancies. Such women would possibly be disgraced before their children and sent packing from home without compassion of any kind.

This is liken to ” if you cannot stand the heat get out of the kitchen” kind of marriage which have been viewed in some quarters as some kind of slavery. The truth of the matter is that some of these women knew what it meant to them for their children to be jointly raised and as such, they choose to stand the heat rather than getting out of the kitchen. The respect to their chosen husbands, no matter what he does or did is total and it is fundamentally important that they do not bring shame to their respective family no matter how wretched, poor or rich that family may be.

Recent research has shown that the evolution of marriage has taken place despite an increased life expectancy that has theoretically made a longer and healthier life together as a couple possible. Although in the past, the death of one of the two spouses was the typical end of marriage, divorce is now the most frequently observed cause.In Switzerland, for example, the number of newly divorced residents actually exceeded the number of newly widowed residents in 1988 (OFS, 1990).

This is a relatively recent phenomenon, having existing for less than half a century and even less in some countries where it was forbidden or severely restricted until very recently (The mid 1970s in Portugal and Italy, 1981 in Spain, and not until 1997 in Ireland). Divorce is not only a legal instrument freeing a couple from wedlock, but an act that is at the heart of familial and social processes.To understand the rise in the number of divorces in various countries, one must first understand the reasons causing couples to marry. France, Italy, Sweden, and Switzerland are representative of the diversity of marital and familial situations existing in Europe.What we see sometimes in American reality television is an eye saw. An unacceptable situation where one is married and within 3 months, the man is sleeping with his wife mother. There is no basis of comparison between African marriages and other people around the world because what they see as a way of life is completely forbidden in Africa. Again, most people see this as being totally primitive.

It is difficult for average women in Europe generally to stick to their marriage when they eventually realized that their husbands are cheating on them. That would invariably be the last straw and would be used as an affront to divorce in which they would be beneficiary to their husband’s stupendous wealth and without recourse to how such separation would affect their children.The ratio is 1 out of every hundred and we have seen this ratio at work sometime ago when a footballer wife defiantly resisted their former assistant shameless confession in order to thwart her marriage. She chooses to stand firmly by her husband throughout the trying period. In United States, during Bill Clinton era, a similar newspaper unconfirmed report between Bill and a Monica Lewinski almost ruin the marriage between the then president and his wife. Again, the latter choose to remain with the husband rather than divorce.

This is just one in a million and like a reoccurring decimal, one hardly turns the pages of newspapers these days without reading about ones divorce or the other. There are countless number of lawyers placing adverts on newspapers and magazines for cheap divorce rates.Today, one of the primary reasons why most celebrities cannot marry is that they are not ready to let what they have laboured all their entire life to be given to a nitwit in the name of divorce settlement .It is quite obvious that people go into marriage for number of reasons while some people, most especially women, go into marriage for the financial gains not really because they needed a family.

According to Jenny Burley and Francis Regan, the Irish story of family law reform in the post-second world war era is quite different from the experience of other countries. One of the main reasons why the story is different is that from 1937 divorce was banned under the Irish constitution. Divorce law reform therefore required a referendum to change the constitution. Even though there were thousand of separated people in Ireland in early 1980s, the proposal to introduce divorce was vociferously opposed in referenda in 1986 and 1995.

The opposition to constitutional change was fuelled by anti-divorce campaigns which used fear tactics, related to money, children, property and inheritance to argue that divorce would tear apart the very fabric of Irish society. The campaign also claimed that divorce would open floodgates to marriage breakdown. The availability of this divorce in Ireland since 1997 has not, however, borne out of dire predictions of the anti-divorce campaigners.Successful and failed marriages have its origin and background from family circles and some people has argued that it would take a divine intervention for the products of broken homes to triumph where their parents have failed. This is simple. Children learn a great deal from the good and the bad we do at home.

What are responsible for most ignominious exit in most marriages particularly from most women are sheer greed, drink and drugs, insatiable lust and lack of tolerance, which unavoidably, is contributing immensely to the drastic decadence in family and societal values.The devastating effects of divorce on children and families are enormous. Research made by Dr.Todd.E Linaman on families noted the following:Future effects of divorce• Children deal with the effects of divorce not only as children, but into adulthood. The effects of divorce will impact the next generation of children as well. • The child’s suffering from the effects of divorce does not reach its peak at the time of the divorce and then level off. Rather, the emotional effects of divorce can be played and replayed throughout a child’s life. Academic effects of divorce• Children from divorced families drop out of school at twice the rate of children from intact families, and they have lower rates of graduation from high school and college. • Children from divorced homes performed more poorly in reading, spelling, and math and repeated a grade more frequently than did children not facing the effects of divorce. Social effects of divorce• Children of divorced parents are significantly more likely to become delinquent by age 15, regardless of when the divorce took place, than are children not dealing with the effects of divorce. • The single best predictor of teen suicide is parental divorce and living in a single-parent household. • Comparing all family structures, drug use in children is lowest among children not facing the effects of divorce. Emotional effects of divorce• Divorce has been found to be associated with a higher incidence of depression; withdrawal from friends and family; aggressive, impulsive, or hyperactive behavior; and either withdrawing from participation in the classroom or becoming disruptive. • Adult children of divorced parents experience mental health problems significantly more often than do the adult children who didn’t witness the effects of divorce as children. Relational effects of divorce• After divorce, children tend to become more emotionally distant from both parents. • As adults, children of divorced parents are half as likely to be close to their parents as are children not dealing with the effects of divorce. • In their own marriages, children of divorced parents are more likely to be unhappy, to escalate conflicts, and to reduce communication with their spouses. • Some studies concerning the probability of divorce for children of divorced parents have found the risk to be more than twice the risk for children who haven’t personally experienced the effects of divorce.This is just one of the numerous factors affecting divorce on families and the list is endless. One thing about people that I have met in my life is that they do not realize the impact of the mistake they must have made in terms of making a decision that would ultimately shape their life until such mistake begin to hit them. It is, however important amidst these factors that we should think very carefully before considering divorce.Chris OkaforGalway Ireland: chrisokafor@myself.com

Marriage.

Dalip Singh Wasan, Advocate.

I had been studying in a girls high school and therefore, till I passed matriculation examination, I could never calculate whether I was beautiful or an ugly woman. When I joined government college in my town, I found that it was a co-educational institution. I noticed that the boys who were my class mates were not taking any interest in me and at the same time, I had been told by so many other class mates that the boys are after them and some of those girls also told me that the boy students were teasing them. And I noticed that they were very happy when they were telling me such instances and they were happy that they could get admission in this co-educational institution. I was not having all these happenings with me and therefore, I too started having desire in my heart of heart that I too should have a boy friend and I should be able to love him from the core of my heart and one day I should be able to have marriage with him. I had started preparing myself well in the morning and I had started utilizing some perfumes too, but in spite of my efforts none was coming forward and in fact I had started cursing my luck. All these lovemaking was not recognized in my society nor my parents were desiring from me that I should have a boy friend, but still this hunger had taken birth in me and I too started desiring that I should have a boy friend who could sit with me, have talks with me, should help me in my study, we should be together in the canteen, in the library, in the garden attached to our college and we should be coming together to the college and we should be returning together and since I was having a bicycle with me, I wanted that I should be waiting for him in the morning and he should becoming to my house giving bells from far and I should be sitting on the front side of his cycle.

I was not tolerating the talks of my friends, because none was being attracted towards me. I was a woman and I too wanted a man around me. All my friends had chosen their boy friends and they were found in the canteen, in the garden, in the library and at other places along-with their boy friends. I was the only unlucky girl who could not find a boy friend. I had calculated that I was not having the same beauty which the boys of those days wanted. This was not my mistake. I had started cursing my luck because God had written such a luck for me and because of these happenings in my college days, I had started believing that I shall remain unmarried and none of the boys shall be agreeing to have marriage contract with me. I had seen that all the three sisters of mine could get matches only after thorough checking and I had seen with my own eyes that the would be husbands wanted a separate meeting with my sisters and only then they had agreed for the marriage. And I had a fear in my mind that when I shall be completing my study, I shall be facing difficulty in having a suitable match for me and now I had left the hope of having marriage at all.

I had started taking interest in my study. I passed my graduation with flying colours for my college and for my family. I did my post-graduation and that too with first class first in the town. Then on the advice and right counseling of my senior teacher Babeeta, I completed my M.Phil. and then I joined research work and completed my Ph.D. in the subject of psychology. Punjabi University was starting this subject and they appointed me as a lecturer in this subject.

All my sisters had been married. My two younger brothers also married. My parents had been giving advertisements in news papers and some people had been coming to my house too. I had seen that none of the boys was actually willing to have marriage with me because I was not a girl of their expectations. Therefore, before they could give a negative reply to my parents, I told the parties that because of certain difficulties with me, I am not in a position to have marriage at this stage and therefore, they should not wait and should try to find out a suitable girls for their sons.

My parents were not happy with my attitude. They were interested in my marriage, because they were in old age and therefore, they were desiring that their daughter should have her own house. They were having all information with them that I was not so beautiful and therefore, now they had started calling some men who had a divorce or they were widowers. I had noticed that two and three people came and showed their willingness that they were ready to marry me. I could notice that they were actually not liking me, but they were trying to fill the blank in their life.

I had left the idea of marriage. I had already crossed 35 years of my age. My old friends had been meeting me and they were giving me information about their married life. Some of them were having happy married life. But some of them were telling me that their husbands were not good people. They were drug addicts, they were having relations with other women, they were not having sufficient income, they are dependant on their parents and some were not interested in their married life. When I head such news from others, I was happy that I could not be one of them. I had started living at my own feet. I had a job. I was having sufficient income. My job was such that I shall be having pension on my retirement. Therefore, I started having my own house on the other side of the University and actually I got one and the remaining amounts were paid by the University as house building lone. They had started recovering some amount as installment from my pay. My parents were not liking that I should live separately, but I shifted to the new house and assured my parents, that they shall be at liberty to stay with me when their sons started feeling that they are burden upon their shoulders. And in fact my parents had been living with me for moths together till they are called by my brothers and such events happened only when the people had started passing adverse remarks on my brothers. Otherwise, they were happy that their parents were living with me and they were telling me that they had left their parents with me only to give me protection. I knew what was in their mind, but still I had been keeping my parents with me because they were not any burden upon me. They had converted this house of mine as a home and when they were not with me it turned into a house of bricks and mortar. My parents had seen that none was coming to my house except some students who wanted extra instructions from my side.

I had been contributing some articles to news papers, to magazines and because of my hard labour I had produced some research books in the subject of psychology too. Some books were recognized by the universities and some of my articles got publication in international papers. Scholars in the subject had started appreciating my work and therefore, I had been having references in speech, in works and even some scholars had started quoting me as final authority on some intricate problems of human mind. I had started reading those letters and some of those letters were given due acknowledgment from my side. The writers were giving due regard while writing to me and I had the feeling that the people are liking me only because that they are liking my research work and when they shall see me personally, they would not write me nor they would be appreciating me. And under this fear I had completed 40 years of my life.

I had already left the idea of my marriage because up till now none had approached me and proposed marriage. I had been having so many colleagues who were having all respect, all regard and even love for me because of my work and hard labour which I had been putting in research work in my subject. I had been in correspondence with a person from London and he had been praising my work and findings on the subject of sex and its place in relations between man and woman and he had been giving me encouragement that I had given some new versions to this subject. I was surprised to note that I had been appreciated on my work in a subject which had been foreign to me because I could not had a marriage nor I could have a boy friend or a another man with whom I had sex. The man in correspondence disclosed in a letter that he too belonged to the state of Punjab in India and now has settled in London as a permanent resident. He had been telling me through his letters that he had crossed 45 years of his age, but is still unmarried because he had got no attraction towards the opposite sex. H had informed me that he had been observing in his own joint family that the women had been the main cause and they created such circumstances in the house that the house broke into pieces and now all the brothers are living separately and they are not having visiting terms amongst each other. He was still unmarried when the family broke down and somehow he had come to London and has settled there as permanent resident. He informed me that he was working in a hospital as doctor and he has been allotted the department dealing with mad people. He informed me that he had been utilizing all the methods which were available in my research works and he had been successful in treating some mad people and now they are living a normal life.

This was all about his letters and one day I got a letter from his side in which he informed me that he was coming to India specially to meet me and he shall be getting some latest methods of correcting mad people. I was surprised to note the contents of his letter and it gave me further surprise when I noted that he shall be staying with me here in India because he would not like to stay with any of his brothers who are already having so many property disputes amongst themselves and were present in Courts facing and countering each other.

Since this fellow had been my booster throughout in the past, I could not give him a negative reply. I waited for him and even I went to Delhi to receive him at the airport. I was waiting for him with a banner in my hand and he straightway came to me and called me by my name and actually took me in his arms and pressed me hard and this continued for about five minutes, when he again took up his baggage and we both boarded the car in which I had been traveling to Delhi.

We had been having talks on different subjects. Since it was already ten of night, I suggested that we should stay in hotel and we actually stayed in a hotel and left for Patiala the next day.

I had a strange feeling because for the first time in my life a man had taken me in his arms and has pressed me hard with his body and this pressing continued for at least five minutes I was driving car and he was having his seat beside me. We had been talking on the subject of psychology and he was also having some talks about the administration in the University. I explained whatever I could keeping myself in limits prescribed by the conduct rules.

His name was Avtar Singh and he stayed with me for half a month. We had been to hill stations and we also visited Nanded- Hazoor Sahib. We both were not religious persons, but he wanted to visit this holy place because he told me that every Sikh must visit this holy place before he actually crosses 60 years of his age and we both were below this age. We also visited Nanak Jheera Gurdwarssahib which was in an other state in India. At places he had been holding my hand and on each morning he been meeting me in the same way which he did on the airport. I could get some new experiences in my life, but still this man had not proposed further relations which we shall be having in future life.

On the last night he suggested, “ Please come to London and stay with me. You can come there for having further research work in your subject. The universities there shall be welcoming your entry and the student public shall also have some benefits from you:. I just had a smile and no words came out of my mouth. This man was leaving me. He was inviting me to his own station and at the same time was not suggesting anything about our relations in the future. At the airport, he again took me in his arms and left India for ever. We never met again. I am still unmarried, but the man who had taken me in his arms and had pressed me hard gave me all what a married woman could get from a man. I had decided to live with these memories and was ready to spend remaining part of my life without marriage. But still I wish that Dr. Avtar Singh who was the first and the last man taking me in his arms should come and suggest that we should have marriage so that I could be in his arms time and again. He had been writing me letters and often called on phone too, but he never suggested that he is willing to have marriage with me. I am still waiting a letter or a phone from his side and I shall be the last woman to ignore his call.

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