Dalip Singh Wasan, Advocate.

I had been studying in a girls high school and therefore, till I passed matriculation examination, I could never calculate whether I was beautiful or an ugly woman. When I joined government college in my town, I found that it was a co-educational institution. I noticed that the boys who were my class mates were not taking any interest in me and at the same time, I had been told by so many other class mates that the boys are after them and some of those girls also told me that the boy students were teasing them. And I noticed that they were very happy when they were telling me such instances and they were happy that they could get admission in this co-educational institution. I was not having all these happenings with me and therefore, I too started having desire in my heart of heart that I too should have a boy friend and I should be able to love him from the core of my heart and one day I should be able to have marriage with him. I had started preparing myself well in the morning and I had started utilizing some perfumes too, but in spite of my efforts none was coming forward and in fact I had started cursing my luck. All these lovemaking was not recognized in my society nor my parents were desiring from me that I should have a boy friend, but still this hunger had taken birth in me and I too started desiring that I should have a boy friend who could sit with me, have talks with me, should help me in my study, we should be together in the canteen, in the library, in the garden attached to our college and we should be coming together to the college and we should be returning together and since I was having a bicycle with me, I wanted that I should be waiting for him in the morning and he should becoming to my house giving bells from far and I should be sitting on the front side of his cycle.

I was not tolerating the talks of my friends, because none was being attracted towards me. I was a woman and I too wanted a man around me. All my friends had chosen their boy friends and they were found in the canteen, in the garden, in the library and at other places along-with their boy friends. I was the only unlucky girl who could not find a boy friend. I had calculated that I was not having the same beauty which the boys of those days wanted. This was not my mistake. I had started cursing my luck because God had written such a luck for me and because of these happenings in my college days, I had started believing that I shall remain unmarried and none of the boys shall be agreeing to have marriage contract with me. I had seen that all the three sisters of mine could get matches only after thorough checking and I had seen with my own eyes that the would be husbands wanted a separate meeting with my sisters and only then they had agreed for the marriage. And I had a fear in my mind that when I shall be completing my study, I shall be facing difficulty in having a suitable match for me and now I had left the hope of having marriage at all.

I had started taking interest in my study. I passed my graduation with flying colours for my college and for my family. I did my post-graduation and that too with first class first in the town. Then on the advice and right counseling of my senior teacher Babeeta, I completed my M.Phil. and then I joined research work and completed my Ph.D. in the subject of psychology. Punjabi University was starting this subject and they appointed me as a lecturer in this subject.

All my sisters had been married. My two younger brothers also married. My parents had been giving advertisements in news papers and some people had been coming to my house too. I had seen that none of the boys was actually willing to have marriage with me because I was not a girl of their expectations. Therefore, before they could give a negative reply to my parents, I told the parties that because of certain difficulties with me, I am not in a position to have marriage at this stage and therefore, they should not wait and should try to find out a suitable girls for their sons.

My parents were not happy with my attitude. They were interested in my marriage, because they were in old age and therefore, they were desiring that their daughter should have her own house. They were having all information with them that I was not so beautiful and therefore, now they had started calling some men who had a divorce or they were widowers. I had noticed that two and three people came and showed their willingness that they were ready to marry me. I could notice that they were actually not liking me, but they were trying to fill the blank in their life.

I had left the idea of marriage. I had already crossed 35 years of my age. My old friends had been meeting me and they were giving me information about their married life. Some of them were having happy married life. But some of them were telling me that their husbands were not good people. They were drug addicts, they were having relations with other women, they were not having sufficient income, they are dependant on their parents and some were not interested in their married life. When I head such news from others, I was happy that I could not be one of them. I had started living at my own feet. I had a job. I was having sufficient income. My job was such that I shall be having pension on my retirement. Therefore, I started having my own house on the other side of the University and actually I got one and the remaining amounts were paid by the University as house building lone. They had started recovering some amount as installment from my pay. My parents were not liking that I should live separately, but I shifted to the new house and assured my parents, that they shall be at liberty to stay with me when their sons started feeling that they are burden upon their shoulders. And in fact my parents had been living with me for moths together till they are called by my brothers and such events happened only when the people had started passing adverse remarks on my brothers. Otherwise, they were happy that their parents were living with me and they were telling me that they had left their parents with me only to give me protection. I knew what was in their mind, but still I had been keeping my parents with me because they were not any burden upon me. They had converted this house of mine as a home and when they were not with me it turned into a house of bricks and mortar. My parents had seen that none was coming to my house except some students who wanted extra instructions from my side.

I had been contributing some articles to news papers, to magazines and because of my hard labour I had produced some research books in the subject of psychology too. Some books were recognized by the universities and some of my articles got publication in international papers. Scholars in the subject had started appreciating my work and therefore, I had been having references in speech, in works and even some scholars had started quoting me as final authority on some intricate problems of human mind. I had started reading those letters and some of those letters were given due acknowledgment from my side. The writers were giving due regard while writing to me and I had the feeling that the people are liking me only because that they are liking my research work and when they shall see me personally, they would not write me nor they would be appreciating me. And under this fear I had completed 40 years of my life.

I had already left the idea of my marriage because up till now none had approached me and proposed marriage. I had been having so many colleagues who were having all respect, all regard and even love for me because of my work and hard labour which I had been putting in research work in my subject. I had been in correspondence with a person from London and he had been praising my work and findings on the subject of sex and its place in relations between man and woman and he had been giving me encouragement that I had given some new versions to this subject. I was surprised to note that I had been appreciated on my work in a subject which had been foreign to me because I could not had a marriage nor I could have a boy friend or a another man with whom I had sex. The man in correspondence disclosed in a letter that he too belonged to the state of Punjab in India and now has settled in London as a permanent resident. He had been telling me through his letters that he had crossed 45 years of his age, but is still unmarried because he had got no attraction towards the opposite sex. H had informed me that he had been observing in his own joint family that the women had been the main cause and they created such circumstances in the house that the house broke into pieces and now all the brothers are living separately and they are not having visiting terms amongst each other. He was still unmarried when the family broke down and somehow he had come to London and has settled there as permanent resident. He informed me that he was working in a hospital as doctor and he has been allotted the department dealing with mad people. He informed me that he had been utilizing all the methods which were available in my research works and he had been successful in treating some mad people and now they are living a normal life.

This was all about his letters and one day I got a letter from his side in which he informed me that he was coming to India specially to meet me and he shall be getting some latest methods of correcting mad people. I was surprised to note the contents of his letter and it gave me further surprise when I noted that he shall be staying with me here in India because he would not like to stay with any of his brothers who are already having so many property disputes amongst themselves and were present in Courts facing and countering each other.

Since this fellow had been my booster throughout in the past, I could not give him a negative reply. I waited for him and even I went to Delhi to receive him at the airport. I was waiting for him with a banner in my hand and he straightway came to me and called me by my name and actually took me in his arms and pressed me hard and this continued for about five minutes, when he again took up his baggage and we both boarded the car in which I had been traveling to Delhi.

We had been having talks on different subjects. Since it was already ten of night, I suggested that we should stay in hotel and we actually stayed in a hotel and left for Patiala the next day.

I had a strange feeling because for the first time in my life a man had taken me in his arms and has pressed me hard with his body and this pressing continued for at least five minutes I was driving car and he was having his seat beside me. We had been talking on the subject of psychology and he was also having some talks about the administration in the University. I explained whatever I could keeping myself in limits prescribed by the conduct rules.

His name was Avtar Singh and he stayed with me for half a month. We had been to hill stations and we also visited Nanded- Hazoor Sahib. We both were not religious persons, but he wanted to visit this holy place because he told me that every Sikh must visit this holy place before he actually crosses 60 years of his age and we both were below this age. We also visited Nanak Jheera Gurdwarssahib which was in an other state in India. At places he had been holding my hand and on each morning he been meeting me in the same way which he did on the airport. I could get some new experiences in my life, but still this man had not proposed further relations which we shall be having in future life.

On the last night he suggested, “ Please come to London and stay with me. You can come there for having further research work in your subject. The universities there shall be welcoming your entry and the student public shall also have some benefits from you:. I just had a smile and no words came out of my mouth. This man was leaving me. He was inviting me to his own station and at the same time was not suggesting anything about our relations in the future. At the airport, he again took me in his arms and left India for ever. We never met again. I am still unmarried, but the man who had taken me in his arms and had pressed me hard gave me all what a married woman could get from a man. I had decided to live with these memories and was ready to spend remaining part of my life without marriage. But still I wish that Dr. Avtar Singh who was the first and the last man taking me in his arms should come and suggest that we should have marriage so that I could be in his arms time and again. He had been writing me letters and often called on phone too, but he never suggested that he is willing to have marriage with me. I am still waiting a letter or a phone from his side and I shall be the last woman to ignore his call.

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